If you hadn’t heard by now, Heidi Montag has a new single “Fashion.” (I’ve already started stockpiling canned goods and toilet paper in preparation for the coming apocalypse and I suggest you do the same. Don’t forget the toilet paper — people always forget the toilet paper.) Us Weekly interviewed Heidi’s producer “RedOne” who strangely claims she doesn’t blow:

Tell Us about “Fashion.”
It sounds amazing. The song is all about fashion and all about her - shopping, clothes, her whole aura. She’s really taken it to the next level…. We are working on more [songs], and it’s crazy, shocking stuff that will surprise everybody.

Can Heidi sing?
Definitely. She’s really good, and I love her personality and the way it comes through in a song. She makes you believe it. She’s great in the studio.

Where do you see her career going?
I definitely think she’s a star. She has a star quality — a powerful personality with no limits. She can do anything and make it sound credible. She’s a born star. (Source)

Science teaches us that the only real difference between animals and humans (besides our affinity for porn) is our ability to learn from our previous mistakes. Apparently Heidi didn’t inherit that chromosome from our species — see the laughably bad “music video” she shot in February. I guess she’s just following her dreams and living by the old biblical* adage “if at first you don’t succeed try try again . . . until you’re forced to sell your ass for rent money on Sunset Blvd.”

*Leviticus 3:2

Heidi Montag decided to torture us again with yet another single.  To hear the song with the original title “Fashion,” click here.  Synthesizing the hell out of her voice still can’t save this disaster.

To make matters worse some allegedly reputable questionable producer named RedOne spoke to Us Magazine about the Heidi and the new single produced by him.

I blame this on Apple’s Garage Band.  Now every idiot thinks they’re a producer because the clicked a few buttons on their computer.

Can Heidi sing?
“Definitely. She’s really good, and I love her personality and the way it comes through in a song. She makes you believe it. She’s great in the studio.”

Where do you see her career going?
“I definitely think she’s a star. She has a star quality — a powerful personality with no limits. She can do anything and make it sound credible. She’s a born star.

Heidi is so far removed from knowing what a real star is she’s probably let Spencer shove a beer can up her snatch after he told her that what porn stars do in the sack.

Here is the couple breathing in some horse manure’s ass juice at a horse ranch earlier this week.

Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag reportedly spent $10,000 on guns to protect themselves from their enemies. Spencer visited the Martin B. Retting store in Culver City, CA last week and purchased the exact guns the U.S. Delta Force uses.

So the couple visited the Martin B. Retting store in Culver City, Calif., on June 7 and spent more than $10,000 on guns to arm themselves. They purchased two Benelli semiautomatic M4 tactical shotguns, two Wilson close quarter combat .45-caliber pistols and one Scout semiautomatic rifle. “They wanted the exact guns that the U.S. Delta Force uses,” a friend explains. Spencer wants to be prepared for anything,” says the friend.

I pray four days from now I read about that fairy princess Spencer suffering a broken clavicle after playing around with the shotgun and then read about how Heidi Montag shattered her fake nose because she couldn’t handle the recoil from the .45.

Tip for Spencer: To avoid a broken clavicle, line up the shotgun an inch away from your face before you fire.

So, that annoying fake couple we all love to hate, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, were on The Tyra Banks Show and CONFIRMED the existence of the Lauren Conrad sex tape. Yes, that Lauren Conrad sex tape. Tyra asked, and Heidi and El Doucheo were more than happy to emphatically confirm that the tape did exist at one point (even though Lauren Conrad denied she had a sex tape). Whether it exists now they couldn’t say, and wouldn’t, since apparently there is some kind of gag order in place. I bet it’s similar to the gag order I feel when I look at Heidi and Spencer.

Heidi said that Lauren’s ex was trying to sell the tape, to which Spencer added that he would rather throw up than watch the tape. Again, Spencer is the douche of all douches. I don’t care how boring Lauren Conrad is in bed, I’d still want to see that sex tape.

Watch the Video:

Lauren Conrad Sex Tape Confirmed

Love her or hate her, in all honesty Hills star Heidi Montag can whip out really cute outfits from time to time. In summer spirit, half of speidi rocked out a easy breezy grey tank, a fresh pair of bright white high waist shorts, blue Hermes Kelly Bag and matching oversized scarf. Her chic outfit was paired with huge Chanel logoed sandals.

Speaking of Chanel, it seems to be Heidi’s brand of choice with her several bags, scarfs and shoes. Although she loves Chanel, she seems to love really obvious Chanel. Big logos, metallic logos and multi logos have stacked up in Heidi’s wardrobe.

But that’s not hard to do, when Chanel’s Resort Collection promoted that bigger the logo the better. With dresses, t-shirts, bags, earrings, necklaces and bracelets coated in crystallised, patent and leather logos of grand stature. Big logo or small logo, you can get me a Chanel bag anyday!

Heidi Montag has recorded a new song called “Dramatic” which uses an unused Britney track. The song was debuted on Ryan Seacrest’s morning radio show on KIIS-FM this morning. “Dramatic, an uptempo club number featuring Brit’s signature breathy vocals,” Ryan said.

I am not a fan of this song. Nor was a a fan of Heidi’s last song. I think she needs to find another career cuz singing is just not her thing. Paris Hilton got the hint. Why can’t she?

Tell me what you think of the new song.

Britney Spears Heidi Montag Duet Here

I don’t think that fellow Hill’s stars, Lauren Conrad and Heidi Montag will be making a truce any time soon. Not only are they bashing each other in public but now they are competing over their new fashion lines.

Lauren Conrad showcased her line, the Lauren Conrad Collection, at this years LA Fashion week, which is a very big deal. Although this was a huge stepping stone for Lauren, viewers of the show feel that at the ripe young age of 22, she still has a ways to go before she really makes a name for herself in the fashion world.

This is what Lauren Conrad’s fashion website says about her new designs:

Lauren Conrad is proud to announce her first collection, perfect for every occasion. Turning her dreams of becoming a fashion designer into a reality, Lauren Conrad Collection reflects Lauren’s upbringing in Southern California, embracing the laid-back lifestyle with dresses, tops and silhouettes that feature novelty detailing, playful accents and clean lines and shapes. All of Lauren’s looks can easily be transformed from day into night, without skipping a beat. This Fall, Lauren Conrad Collection will offer timeless pieces that are sophisticated and chic, to bring out the California girl in you!

Heidi Montag’s fashion line is chessily titled Heidiwood and is sold at Anchor Blue stores. Compared to Lauren’s line, Heidi’s is a lot cheaper. You can’t buy a $140 dress here.

Heidi spoke to Us magazine about her new line:

“Lauren’s line is not necessarily something I would wear. She’s trying a high-fashion thing, but it’s a little overpriced. Mine is fun and flirty for the everyday woman. Most people can’t afford $200 for one dress.”

The fashion school drop-out went on to bash LC some more, “When we were in school, I was the designer, and she was in, like, product development.”

Looking at the two clothing lines I can’t decide which is better. I would wear Lauren’s but it is a little pricey, and I like Heidi’s but you will never catch me wearing that bitchy fuggly girl’s clothes. I hope Lauren’s line out sells hers cuz I really would like to see Heidi cry again.

Who wants to help me shot some rabbits? Just when I thought that the cheeziest couple in the world couldn’t make me any more nauseous, they strike again. The Hills stars Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have continued their stupid holiday tradition of posing for “candid” shots that make me want to throw rocks at their heads.

Can someone please explain to me why they take these pictures in the first place. I don’t get it, how and why are they still famous? And why won’t they just go away and crawl back in their holes.

For all those fans who actually like this on-off again couple here are some more of the Easter photos, (I don’t understand why they are posing with this little girl, who is she and where did she come from?)

Ok. This is a joke right? Come on, Heidi Montag a “feminist hero? ”

Well, one person in this world seems to think so and her name is Gina Bellafante from the New York Times.

Gina wrote, “Defying our expectations, Heidi has emerged as a kind of feminist hero this season, climbing her way to a bigger position at the event-planning company where she orchestrates Nascar parties, and refusing to acquiesce to the demands of her fiancé, Spencer, that she get herself home on time.”

She went on to write, “Her groundswell of self-assertion begins when he insists on eloping, prompting Heidi to declare, “This isn’t, like, Spencer’s relationship and you decide what we do. The full-on joyous Oprah-fication of Heidi culminates with the show’s return and gives “The Hills” a new momentum. After taking a break from Spencer at her parents’ modest house in Crested Butte, Colo., Heidi returns to Los Angeles to kick him out and chastises him for taking her flat-screen TV with him. How proud Gloria Allred would be.”

I don’t understand it all. Heidi is a stupid, back-stabbing hoe and Spencer is a manipulative liar, who are both lime-light whores. I think they are perfect for each other. Does Gina not know that the two got back together again? Heidi is the type of girl who needs someone to love her every minute of the day and to constantly tell her so. If she was a true “feminist hero” she would learn to stand on her own two feet and leave Spencer alone. But she can’t cuz she knows she will lose her fame if she lets him go–Heidi and Spencer are only powerful if they are together.