Mike Myer’s Love Guru – which hits theaters today – is getting slammed by critics.

“What is the opposite of a belly laugh?” New York Times reviewer A.O. Scott wrote. “[It] is downright antifunny, an experience that makes you wonder if you will ever laugh again.”

Scott said “unfunny” and “obnoxious” do “not quite capture the strenuous unpleasantness” of Myer’s portrayal of the main character Guru Pitka.

“To say that the movie is not funny is merely to affirm the obvious,” Scott added.

The New York Post’s critic quipped, “If this movie were a president, it would be Tedious Roosevelt.”

Variety called the film “relentlessly juvenile” and the Associated Press reviewer blamed Myers: “From the credits of this scattershot comedy sketch stretched and strained to movie length, Myers clearly loved himself to the point of narcissism going in.”

Ok. This is a joke right? Come on, Heidi Montag a “feminist hero? ”

Well, one person in this world seems to think so and her name is Gina Bellafante from the New York Times.

Gina wrote, “Defying our expectations, Heidi has emerged as a kind of feminist hero this season, climbing her way to a bigger position at the event-planning company where she orchestrates Nascar parties, and refusing to acquiesce to the demands of her fiancé, Spencer, that she get herself home on time.”

She went on to write, “Her groundswell of self-assertion begins when he insists on eloping, prompting Heidi to declare, “This isn’t, like, Spencer’s relationship and you decide what we do. The full-on joyous Oprah-fication of Heidi culminates with the show’s return and gives “The Hills” a new momentum. After taking a break from Spencer at her parents’ modest house in Crested Butte, Colo., Heidi returns to Los Angeles to kick him out and chastises him for taking her flat-screen TV with him. How proud Gloria Allred would be.”

I don’t understand it all. Heidi is a stupid, back-stabbing hoe and Spencer is a manipulative liar, who are both lime-light whores. I think they are perfect for each other. Does Gina not know that the two got back together again? Heidi is the type of girl who needs someone to love her every minute of the day and to constantly tell her so. If she was a true “feminist hero” she would learn to stand on her own two feet and leave Spencer alone. But she can’t cuz she knows she will lose her fame if she lets him go–Heidi and Spencer are only powerful if they are together.

Alicia Witt’s character in the Friday (4/18)-opening Al Pacino thriller, “88 Minutes,” is that of a teacher’s assistant who’s completely ga-ga over her boss. To hear Alicia carry on about Pacino, her feelings of idolization must have been pretty easy to play. “Al goes above and beyond the norm, especially for someone who’s accomplished all he has,” she lets us know. “He really wanted to rehearse, and for two weeks before we started shooting, he had people come over to his house to read scenes and work on them with him.

During production, he’d have people get together for Italian dinners, and we’d sit there with our scripts and work on scenes some more.” Adds the actress/singer, “He’s probably always been my favorite actor. Now I look up to him for his work ethic as well. He doesn’t carry himself as someone to be idolized, which is really endearing. There’s no grandiosity, no entourage. As soon as we shook hands, my nervousness went away.” Pacino plays a forensic psychiatrist/university professor who put a serial killer behind bars, and who gets told by an unidentified phone caller that he has 88 minutes to live in the flick. Witt says that given the ticking clock aspect, “There was the challenge of trying to define what these people are to each other, but not be absurd about it” — and the relationship had to be conveyed within glances and tones of voice.

MEANWHILE: Witt doesn’t know what her future will be with “Law & Order: Criminal Intent,” though she made it clear from the start of her tenure as Det. Nola Falacci on the series, she says, that she wasn’t interested in a permanent job. “Julianne Nicholson is back from maternity leave, and the structure of the show is two detectives. They’ve asked me to do a few more but it wouldn’t be on a regular basis because that’s not the nature of the part. I actually miss Falacci. She’s a kick. I have one episode left to shoot on my current contract. I think we’ll do that in June, and then we’ll see.”

THE BIG SCREEN SCENE: Richard Jenkins’ “The Visitor” doesn’t open ‘til Friday (4/18), but it’s already become a critic’s darling, with praises for the film – and especially Jenkins’ performance – being sung from NPR to the New York Times, along with commentary about the mysteries of great acting. “It’s been an incredible experience and one I didn’t think I would ever have,” says Jenkins modestly. The one-time “Six Feet Under” ghost dad tells us that he and filmmaker Tom McCarthy (“The Station Agent”), who share the same agent, happened to be staying at the same hotel awhile back, and after running into each other in the lobby one evening, went out for dinner. “We talked about everything but the new movie. A year and a half later, he called and said, ‘I wrote this part for you.

Would you read it?’” The part turned out to be that of a widowed economics professor whose empty life gets recharged — and then some — when he becomes friends with the Syrian drummer to whom his New York apartment has been rented by scammers. “The first thing I said to Tom after reading it was, ‘Nobody is going to give you the money for this with me in the lead.’ But Michael London and Groundswell Productions stepped up and it wasn’t even an issue for them.” Jenkins’ next two flicks have him beck in the supporting actor range, but Jenkins isn’t complaining. He says he had a blast making the Will Ferrell-John C. Reilly comedy “Step Brothers” – as Reilly’s father, who falls for Will’s mother (Mary Steenbergen), leading to a blended family of grown men who never quite managed to leave the nest. He also recently wrapped the Coen Bros. comedic drama, “Burn After Reading” – with Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Tilda Swinton, John Malkovich and Frances McDormand.

COOKING ON ALL BURNERS: Food Network star Sandra Lee reports the four — count ‘em — four cookbooks she’s putting on the market this year are just a drop in the bucket. “I have done so much work in advance I have already laid out my next nine books through 2011,” says the popular host of “Semi-Homemade Cooking with Sandra Lee.” In addition to cookbooks, she now has “a deal to do a book based on my Semi-Homemade philosophy for Better Homes and Gardens.” First off the presses, is the just released “Semi-Homemade Grilling 2,” “Grilling 1 was the number two bestselling grill book ever when it was released,” she notes proudly. “Then this Fall I have ‘Semi-Homemade Shortcut Meal Solutions’ coming out on how to get the supermarket employees to do all your work for you, ‘Sandra’s Fast Fix Family,’ the 300 recipe collection all about family meals and ‘Semi-Homemade Desserts 2.’” Lee says she’s expressed concern she might be glutting her own market, but “the buyers dictate what comes out and they want these books. There’s always room for another cookbook and they’re all under $20.” Lee will celebrate the 200th episode of “Semi-Homemade Cooking with Sandra Lee” show on May 3, but says she’s also way ahead of the game on that front. “I have three more shows to do and I will have shot shows well into and through 2009.” To commemorate the milestone, Lee and crew donated $10,000 to God’s Love We Deliver, an organization that feeds people living with serious illness.